the luculla hive: katie

This is a chapter of the luculla hive, an erotic science-fiction novel. Go to the beginning.

23 June 2405
14.825337/106.495972/[2400]01:44:04.0/-15:56:15/3 Luculla
Voice log [Judith Hobson]
Narrative augmentation off/De-clutter on

03:10:12
I have to talk to you.

I'm feeling... so many things at once. Katie's gone, again. Where does she go? Why does she leave me, alone?

I have to talk to someone! You'll have to do. Ha ha. A machine. I must be going nuts.

I've been... ashamed: to keep making the logs. Ever since they found Raja, what, five days ago. I should have gone back to the ship. I was intending to come back here for supplies, then set out, see if any of the colonists came with me. But, I haven't even tried.

I said to myself that I was still studying them. Some more data to take back with me. I've said that every day, ha ha. No, it's not that.

I'm frightened, for sure. I can't tell them what I'm doing. If they don't follow me, or if they get bored and go back, I'm on my own. I don't want to end up like Raja and the Professor!

But it's not that either. Oh. How do I say this.

Katie. These last two nights. I've let her sleep with me.

Not have sex. Well... I have tried a few things with her. Trying to communicate. She lets me; and she responds, well, I think she's responding. But it's just kissing, a bit of touching, just, neutral skin. I'm ashamed to go any further. It's not inhibition, homophobia; I don't think it is. No, it's not.

Because... because I want to go further. I really want to, oh. Not for science! I want to because...

I love her.

Ha ha, I said it. Now you know, you shitty machine.

I love her, and I'm ashamed because I don't know how to make love to her. Do they even do that? Make love? Is it all just communication? They're at it all the time. All of them, even the workers. I find them in corners, making out like teenagers, hands all over the place. Haha, four hands each. And licking each other. If it isn't talking, it's perverse.

But... I get, well, I get aroused by it all. Was I a lesbian all along? Maybe. But should I be aroused? Are they getting aroused? Or are they just discussing the weather?

It's got to the stage, I want to kiss her, all the time. I want to kiss her, just to kiss her. Because her lips are so soft. And her tongue. Yes, I tried it once. Then I couldn't stop. I never knew someone could... a tongue, could do that. Is it because they do it to communicate? That they're so good at it? I just want to experience it, again and again.

But is she just... talking to me? Does she care about me, at all? It drives me nuts when she kisses the others. I know it shouldn't. But I'm human, dammit. Not mutant, like them. I kiss to tell someone I care. I can't let go of that.

And... I'm not beautiful, like them. Like her. I still wear my clothes. They're like armour, now. Stop her seeing my body. I want her to want me, but I'm ashamed. I don't want her to know I've been straight all my life. Plain, and straight. Never touched a girl before. But she... she's like an angel.

I think I knew she was special, when she turned up in my room that first morning. The 'ladies' of the colony--that's what I call the unspecialised human-looking ones--they're all beautiful; but Katie, she's got an edge to her, something the others don't have. I haven't named any of the others. Her name just came to me, when she was playing with the eno. She's a bit older, maybe close to forty; which makes her one of the oldest in the colony. She's got the most amazing auburn hair: long, wavy, a bit tussled; and freckles, all over.

She doesn't smile, none of them do; but she's kind of happy, in her movements. She figured out pretty quick that she could hold my hand, that it was okay with me; and she does it all the time. And: she never just walks for long, she always wants to skip, or run. It's so joyful. And maybe they're all joyful. I haven't seen any of them ill, or even upset. They're all well fed; most of them don't even have to work.

So she shows me their world, holding my hand. And at night... oh, at night. Last night, we were kissing; and I don't know how it happened, we were lying down together, kissing. She was so warm, so beautiful, just there with me, and I didn't want to stop.

In the end, she fell asleep. In my arms! So trusting. So warm. I just watched her, for the longest time. She was tucked under my arm, her face still looking up towards me, her mouth a little open as though I could just keep kissing her in her sleep. Her body: laid out beside me. Her legs were scissored slightly, the top leg forward, so her body leaned inward a little. I could reach the top of her hip, and I was stroking it, feeling the way the bone dropped off into softness.

I could just see her abdomen relaxing onto the surface beneath, freckles over curves, and looking at it made me feel like I've never felt before. Content. The idea that someone so beautiful would want to lie next to me like that totally filled my mind, and there was no space for anything else.

Or maybe, there was. Her breasts were resting softly atop each other against my side, and I could feel their weight and their warmth through my vest, and... and I wanted to be naked too. I wanted her skin to touch mine; her body to lean against me. And maybe push against me with desire. As she lay there I let these feelings play over me, like fingers, exploring me. It was a dream, but I didn't care.

When I woke, she was gone again. I wondered if she had ever really been there. I must have been asleep for only moments, because when I got up to have a drink I felt cold damp cloth between my legs. I think that was the moment I let go of my supposed heterosexuality; and that freed the flood of my feelings for Katie. They crushed me, and I cried. I cried like I've never cried before, so lonely, a stranger in this strangest of places.

She came back, and kissed me, caressed me, softly. When I didn't stop crying she held me. I almost hated her for it, for making me love her, and I told her so in between my sobs. That helped, and so I kept talking, telling her everything. Of course she didn't make a sound, but I could feel her stroking my hair, and her eyes were so intense when I glanced at her.

Eventually we lay down again, her body pressed against my back, her arms wrapped around me.

And so here I am, alone again, knowing in a moment she'll be back, because she always comes back to me. It's like she's toying with me, letting my feelings careen from one extreme to the other. Does she have other lovers? Oh, that sounds so jealous. But I guess, I am jealous. Is she with another stranger, when she's away from me? Or does she have a partner, a husband?

Where are the men? Are they hidden away somewhere? It makes no sense how this colony can keep going. It's been three decades since Blackshore's lab was destroyed, and most of the women here are younger than that. But there's no evidence that they reproduce: no children, no men, no old people. Are there other colonies somewhere?.. maybe this place is more like a monastery, a hideaway for lesbians.

I have to know where she goes! I could try to follow her. It's impossible to explore by myself, it's so hard to know a wall from a door in here. Yes. I'll do it, next time she sneaks away. I'll do it.